On several occasions, I was blessed with the privilege of hearing White Eagle, a native American Indian, sing this song at my church; and this ‘sets the stage’ for a discussion of dreams:
Like many little girls, my first dream was to be a mommy. Then, that dream was cast aside and acting took it’s place. I would love to be on stage, with the accompanying money, glitz, glamour and fame! Practicality stepped in, ao I rethought my acting goals and acting gave way to the practice of medicine; I’d be a doctor, a diagnostician- a female “House.”
Then followed a foray into athletics. In the past I’d been on swim teams, but this time, I was more serious and focused. I tried open water swims, triathlons and mini-marathons. I wanted to be good; then reality hit: few were really, really good. But I wanted a niche, I wanted to be good at something. But, then I got practical; I had to pay the rent!
My final destitnation was nursing where I found my love. Something at which I was good, loved and it paid the rent! About the same time, I began a freelance writing career of writing and also writing about nursing. Though I had to leave nursing because I developed lupus, I practiced for 20 + years and spent my last years as a hospice case manager, loving it.
It was during this time, that my ‘mommy dream’ was cast on the rocks. Other dreams couldn’t be realized because of other health challenges. Was I giving up on my dreams too easily? NO. I wasn’t giving up at all.
Unfortunately, these losses piled up. The loss of not having a family, not being able to do the things I wanted to do got stuffed inside me and festered like a boil.
All along I wasn’t able to accept my losses and I didn’t allow myself to be less than perfect; I set some pretty high standards for myself and in spite of a pretty thick medical chart, I set some pretty high standards for myself and I’d I created goals that weren’t attainable. When you have high standards and physical limitations prevent you from meeting them, there eventually becomes more pain than you can deal with.
Some goals had been partially met, others were ‘pie in the sky’ goals. But, the time has long come and gone, where I need to move on and a song from “Les Miserables” echos my acceptance truth. I don’t intend to put forward a’gloom and doom’ scenario, but to be realistic, that there is a time to accept dreams and a fact that ‘LIFE HAS KILLED; my dreams and move on:
So, I decided this AM, I decided that I no longer wanted to live with the grief and the pain and the sadness over the lost dreams and goals; rather, I’ll try to accept them and realize that, just like in the play, “Now Life Has Killed the Dream, I Dreamed…” and I’ll make the most of what I do have.