I’m so sorry that I’v not been around lately, but I think I’ve been consumed by the self-pity that I swore would NEVER, EVER EVER be a problem for me. “That only happens to the ‘other guy.'” Well, I’m here to tell you that self-pity can creep in wherever it finds an opening and I gave it a HUGE HOLE!
Because I had tremendous pain from the osteonecrosis in my joints, I wasn’t moving around as much as I’d want (This really came hard to this gal who used to do triathlons swimming in 60 degree water!). Then, the lung problems developed, either from lupus or Sjogren’s syndrome (shrinking lung syndrome). All they can say about the shrinking lung syndrome is that my lung volumes are shrinking over time and that no inhaler, no amount of oxygen will help.
But, i digress. Because of the joint aches, I can’t walk around as I’d like; forget running! Because of my lung problem, I can barely walk from room to room without getting severly winded (but my oxygen saturation is normal when I’m winded!) These two have caused the historically constantly active me, to become so immobile that I’ve put on weight; not just 10 pounds, more like 100# ! ; and that amount of weight, a good 100 pounds over ideal weight doesn’t feel or look good on my body and increases the load on my joints, increase the work of my lungs and my heart takes up the slack. Heart failure wasn’t an issue i wanted to flirt with because the heart and lungs are inextricably linked:
A few weeks ago, I was at the doctors office; the power went out and I had to take the stairs to get down. I can only imagine what I looked like, (I know how I felt) as I slowly, step by step, made the 10 minute haul down the stairs!
So, I’ll come clean here. This morbid obesity has become such a conundrum as to interfere with a quality life and also a HEALTHY life., If I go to a friend’s house we must stay on the first floor, because i can’t take the stairs; lungs and joints won’t let me. The nay sayers have said that this is just deconditioning. Well, I was an athlete and I KNOW deconditioning. Thank goodness for my pulmonologist who sets them straight. But, I’m not consumed with another decision. Others have said that depression is causing over-eating. We’ll. to that I say: I’ve been depressed before and this is not depression.
As personal as this may be, I need to tell my blog buddies that I’m considering having weight loss surgery, Nothing contributing to the weight gain is going to go away any time soon. That’s the meaning of CHRONIC. My lung problem may abate, but the condition isn’t curable and I’ve been told by the pulmonologist that weight loss may be the only thing that helps. The osteonecrosis may be less problematic because of less weight on my already compromised joints, but it’s always going to be there. I guess I’m not asking for advice on making a decision, as much as I’m asking for your prayers that the decision I”m making is the right decision.
So, where does this self-pity come in? I think I end up feeling sorry for myself that I’m being FORCED to make this decision. Insurance requires that you show lots of proof that you’re serious about weight loss, before they’ll cover the surgery and I’m going through that process which requires a lot of self examination.