“Hey, It’s Good To Be Back Home Again…”

I’m so sorry that I’v not been around lately, but I think I’ve been consumed by the self-pity that I swore would NEVER, EVER EVER be a problem for me. “That only happens to the ‘other guy.'” Well, I’m here to tell you that self-pity can creep in wherever it finds an opening and I gave it a HUGE HOLE!

Because I had tremendous pain from the osteonecrosis in my joints, I wasn’t moving around as much as I’d want (This really came hard to this gal who used to do triathlons swimming in 60 degree water!). Then, the lung problems developed, either from lupus or Sjogren’s syndrome (shrinking lung syndrome). All they can say about the shrinking lung syndrome is that my lung volumes are shrinking over time and that no inhaler, no amount of oxygen will help.

But, i digress. Because of the joint aches, I can’t walk around as I’d like; forget running! Because of my lung problem, I can barely walk from room to room without getting severly winded (but my oxygen saturation is normal when I’m winded!) These two have caused the historically constantly active me, to become so immobile that I’ve put on weight; not just 10 pounds, more like 100# ! ; and that amount of weight, a good 100 pounds  over ideal weight doesn’t feel or look good on my body and increases the load on my joints, increase the work of my lungs and my heart takes up the slack. Heart failure wasn’t an issue i wanted to flirt with because the heart and lungs are inextricably linked:

English: Heart and lungs

English: Heart and lungs (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few weeks ago, I was at the doctors office; the power went out and I had to take the stairs to get down. I can only imagine what I looked like, (I know how I felt) as I slowly, step by step, made the 10 minute haul down the stairs!

So, I’ll come clean here. This morbid obesity has become such a conundrum as to interfere with a quality life and also a HEALTHY life., If I go to a friend’s house we must stay on the first floor, because i can’t take the stairs; lungs and joints won’t let me. The nay sayers have said that this is just deconditioning. Well, I was an athlete and I KNOW deconditioning. Thank goodness for my pulmonologist who sets them straight. But, I’m not consumed with another decision. Others have said that depression is causing over-eating. We’ll. to that I say: I’ve been depressed before and this is not depression.

As personal as this may be, I need to tell my blog buddies that I’m considering having weight loss surgery, Nothing contributing to the weight gain is going to go away any time soon. That’s the meaning of CHRONIC. My lung problem may abate, but the condition isn’t curable and I’ve been told by the pulmonologist that weight loss may be the only thing that helps. The osteonecrosis may be less problematic because of less weight on my already compromised joints, but it’s always going to be there. I guess I’m not asking for advice on making a decision, as much as I’m asking for your prayers that the decision I”m making is the right decision.

So, where does this self-pity come in? I think I end up feeling sorry for myself that I’m being FORCED to make this decision. Insurance requires that you show lots of proof that you’re serious about weight loss, before they’ll cover the surgery and I’m going through that process which requires a lot of self examination.


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7 thoughts on ““Hey, It’s Good To Be Back Home Again…”

  1. I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I will pray that God guides your decision-making! I am sure you have weighed (no pun intended) the pros and cons of enduring surgery on top of everything else right now. Glad to hear that you have engaged in some self-examination about all of this and I am sure if you do decide to get the surgery, it is the right thing to do. Hang in there!! xoxo

    • Nikki, thank you so much for you thoughts. I’ve done a lot of thinking and find from each minor decision or lack of decision, I learn something about what is important in life and I learn things about me. An example, I used to think that it would be insulting to a host/ess who had gone to great length to prepare a festive meal for me and I’d come over and eat a few bits and run. I operated under the how would that make her feel, when perhaps i ought to consider my OWN needs in the process. Hopefully, we can find middle ground. But, one thing I am sure of; this is a PROCESS and a fair amount of self=examination comes into play. Annie

  2. Annie, I’m so sorry about what you are going through. You don’t need all this. You’ve been through enough. Don’t judge yourself for being consumed by self-pity. You are entitled to that once in a while. You’ve gone through more than most people will ever have to go through in their life and if you want to feel sorry for yourself smetimes, go for it!! I have days when I feel sorry for myself! Neither of us ever thought our lives would be the way they are, so sometimes I let myself feel sorry for myself.
    I think you should do whatever you heart tells you to do when it comes to weight loss. I too was really fit and was a runner, but I am able to swim and have stayed trim besides not being able to walk properly or having to take break while walking upstairs. It’s hard for you because of the lung complications. Do what will makes you feel better and your life easier. You are in my thoughts!

    • Thanks so much, Cassandra and i really appreciate hearing that. I need to rid myself of those ‘chattering’ monkeys that tell me ‘I should do x, y or z’ and go with my heart and my gut. You could have done the same thing; but you chose just to say what you did and Lord knows, the world needs more YOUs. It’s hard enough making a decision on something of that magnitude and I really thank you from the bottom of my heart. (Can I ask my sis to call Aunt Cassie?)

  3. Annie,

    I wondered where you’ve been, but figured you were busy into something else. I say do what you have to do to feel better. Life is too precious not to do what makes each breath better. We nurses know that, but we also have a bag of “shoulds” that we “should” not let hamper us. My best wishes and prayers! Lois

    • You know it only too well, Lois, about the bag of shoulds! My Chicago church pastor was big into the “don’t should upon yourself!” Yes, I’ve been real busy into web developent and trying to learn HOW THE WEB WORKS! kind of fun, but SOOOO much to know.

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